I follow my husband’s savings plan even though I don’t agree; I don’t want

Dear for love and money,

My husband thinks we should save six months of expenses at any time. I think it’s too much, but I accept it.

I’m trying to add money to our high yield savings because, in my opinion, who says savings, says savings. But he never invests any money – he says he just meant we should have it on hand. I disagree with this because I feel like I’m the only one contributing to our “savings”. What should we do?

Sincerely,

My money, but not my idea

Dear my money,

How many months of salary a person should have saved in an emergency fund (experts recommend at least three to six months) and whether saving should be an ongoing process or aim to reach a certain amount depends on your goals.

As for your specific case, I’m tempted to weigh in on who I think is right. But I don’t think this will actually improve your situation. Instead, I want to discuss what appears to be the underlying problem: You and your husband have different financial planning philosophies and what appears to be an unequal approach to deciding.

You clearly highlighted the differences in your financial philosophies. You view savings as a wealth-building tool and therefore want to contribute to a high-yield savings account where your money can grow. Your husband views saving as a means of security, so he doesn’t worry about monthly contributions, he just sticks to a specific amount that he knows he can count on in an emergency.

However, your dilemma is bigger than a disagreement over savings strategy. The real problem is that in this disagreement, your husband is the only one who gets what he wants. He has his six months of savings, and so as far as he’s concerned, your family is ready. But that’s not your preference. Your preferred strategy is for both of you to contribute consistently to a high-yield savings account, which only you do.

The obvious answer here is to compromise. You have reached your husband’s savings goal and now you can both focus your efforts towards your savings goal. But he doesn’t seem willing to do that, because in his mind, your savings have been managed his way.

I don’t know the inner workings of your relationship, but there seems to be an obvious power imbalance in your letter that is worth analyzing, in order to decide how best to communicate your needs. In many relationships, one member of the couple becomes the leader by default. For obvious cultural reasons, in heterosexual relationships it is often the man, but many other factors can play a role in all relationships.

A significant problem in my marriage is that my husband is the oldest child and I am the middle child. When things get dicey, I tend to look for someone else to tell me what to do. My husband, on the other hand, goes into every situation assuming he’s in charge, and if things start to go south, only he has to fix it.

But I’m also a smart person with big ideas. Relationships work best when both partners work together, play to each other’s strengths, and make decisions as a team, with everyone feeling heard, trusted, and respected.

Intentional and equitable collaboration is essential to working as a team. For you, this will mean telling your husband that your savings strategy is as important to you as those six months of emergency savings are to him. Explain to him why saving regularly is important to how you want to approach your money in life, and remind him – since you seem to be sharing your finances – that one day you’ll both benefit from the money you’re hiding.

If he responds by arguing with you about the need for these savings, do what I did in this letter and avoid debating the merits of your various plans. Instead, remind him that you are an equal partner who deserves to have your opinions valued.

You said in your letter that even though you think your husband’s goal is “too much,” you “accept it.” For what? Because it’s important to your husband and extra savings don’t hurt anyone. Your financial priorities deserve the same respect, even if your husband considers them unnecessary.

And as long as you continue to share your finances, respect means more than just tolerating your choice to set aside part of your check each month; this will require his participation. You are an adult with good ideas and financial anxieties that you can tackle as a team. That’s the whole point of sharing finances.

If you find that your husband won’t be willing to support your financial goal of saving regularly, it may be worth having a conversation about separating some finances. Sometimes it’s easier for everyone to stay true to their financial style when it’s personally nurtured.

This doesn’t mean you should eliminate the joint account altogether and save money under one person’s responsibility while the other person has fun. Instead, you could agree on a fair amount of income that each of you will keep in your separate accounts. This figure should reflect the amount of money currently devoted to discretionary financial goals, divided in half.

However you choose to go about it, true compromise does not result in a win-lose situation where one person triumphs while the other is left alone with their losing argument. The real compromise is two people agreeing to concede a little and gain a little – and it’s a win-win.

Rooting for you both,

For love and money

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An earlier version of this article was originally published in January 2024.