Are you arguing over money with your partner? These experts have some advice

Money can be a tricky issue for most couples.

And it’s no wonder.

“We tend to have rules when it comes to money. And we get upset when someone doesn’t have the same game plan,” said Thomas Faupl, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in financial therapy.

Without forgetting that everyone’s financial behaviors are influenced by their experiences money growing up.

But you can defuse your disagreements so they aren’t perpetually difficult — or fatal — for your relationship.

How?

Start by recognizing that money fights are usually about something more important. Then, explore what those bigger issues are so everyone can better hear where the other is coming from.

These are just some of the tips that Heather and Douglas Boneparth — an attorney and certified financial planner, respectively — offer in their new book “Money Together: How to Find Equity in Your Relationship and Become an Unstoppable Financial Team.”

The married couple – both in their 40s and now parents to young children – are examining their own money-related issues and those of other couples they’ve interviewed – to learn how to better handle financial conversations.

The specifics of couple conflicts differ. But Faupl finds that the most common types of financial disagreements revolve around:

Saving and spending: One partner may have a much higher bar for feeling financially secure, while the other may prioritize living today.

“Both perspectives are correct,” Faupl said.

The question is whether each partner can understand where the other is coming from and find common ground that works for both.

High debt levels: Whether a couple takes on a lot of debt together or one partner accumulates it, it’s fertile ground for a fight over how to manage that debt and how long it’s tolerated, he said.

A couple with children, for example, must make many financial decisions regarding this debt: Should we take a family vacation? Should we get a bigger house? Where should we cut back? Who should give up what?

Wealth disparities: One spouse may come from wealth or have accumulated it over the course of their career, while the other has not. Or, there might simply be a big disparity in partners’ salaries, which could lead to lots of uncomfortable discussions about the division of labor and who has the most say in financial decisions.

When you’re about to argue about money with your partner, try asking yourself the following questions before you go:

Question 1: Is this something we need to understand now? Or can we schedule a better time to talk about it constructively?

“Time, place and environment matter. Couples argue the most when they choose the wrong time,” said Heather Boneparth. “We were guilty of fighting over money at 5:30 p.m. when our babies were throwing food across the room.”

Question 2: Is what we are arguing about really the problem?

Douglas Boneparth remembers a couple they interviewed whose wife broke down after her husband bought an extra croissant at a 7-Eleven. It turns out the croissant was innocent. The problem for the wife was that she felt her husband was not honoring his agreement from several years earlier to share expenses equally. The explosion taught them that the old arrangement wasn’t working for either of them.

They realized that “what was right before wasn’t really right anymore,” Boneparth said.

Understanding the current context of your partner’s actions can also help. Why did the woman lose it then? His outburst coincided with his fears of losing his job.

Question 3: What are we doing right?

Getting into a contentious financial discussion with criticism of your spouse – or you as a couple – is not a winning approach.

“Don’t start with what’s wrong or what’s broken,” said Douglas Boneparth.

Instead, he suggested, start with what your spouse — and you together — did well. “It will make it much easier for you to stay engaged.”

While you and your partner can still approach money differently, you still need to make joint financial decisions that you can both live with. To get there, keep your eye on the prize.

Take the example of investment. If one of you is risk averse and the other is not, think about your shared goals.

Maybe you both agree on wanting to retire at 60. The trick is to determine, based on your current situation, what it would take to achieve that common goal.

There are many ways to achieve this. And what works for you as a couple may not be as binary or extreme in terms of risk-taking as you think. “It might be gradual — maybe not as much as a partner wants, but more than you ever would,” Heather Boneparth said.

Finally, she stressed, remember that although the unknown is scary and the appetite for risk is individual, “our capacity to take risks is common because we are together.”